What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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