I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Randomize
