what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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