I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Can you bring me the toilet please
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
