we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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