apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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