He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
