Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
