well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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