is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
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