We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
