Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
