I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
