who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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