dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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