ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
