On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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