someone threw a dead crab at me
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Vodka?
Forever.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
