We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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