Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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