Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
