we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
