Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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