i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
