Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I believe in your delicious
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
