how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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