oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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