This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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