Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
