btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
