If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
only if we run a train.
done.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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