mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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