Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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