I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize