I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize