How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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