"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just tell him i said nine months
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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