Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize