i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
