so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
