i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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