I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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