At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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