What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
