if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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