Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
