I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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