im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
