don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
