I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
