I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
