The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
