Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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