I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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