I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
