Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
