plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
