i will never coherently bang her
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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